Why does Yahoo news give me ideas?

So I wake up this morning, get through my standard half-hour of drooling over myself as I look in the mirror, and march gallantly off to chapel. When what to my wondering eyes should appear¹ but freakin nothing cuz my eyes were all blurry.²
Sure enough, as soon as I sit down in front of a computer, Yahoo news shows a story about how vision loss is going to double in the next fifteen years. Why don't I jab my eyes out now, and help move that statistic along. I blame Yahoo news, who, in their attempt to monopolize the internet search industry, crept into my bedroom while I was sleeping and sprayed petroleum jelly in my eyes with an aerosol can. Expect a news story tomorrow about how communion bread that makes you cough could be giving you kidney problems.

¹ Wrong season, but it was freakin cold outside recently.^3
2 Are you sure that doesn't rhyme?^4
3,4 Footnotes suck.
⁵ Endnotes suck too. ⁵

Episode I

Remember that one time at seminary when we did that funny thing in that one place, it was freakin sweet.